Tag: parenthood

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Societal pressure for extraversion

This paper struck me as interesting. I saw it from Adam Grant on social media. But, it got me thinking.

Our results suggest that mothers preferred extraversion over intelligence and conscientiousness, despite their strong, empirically demonstrated predictive validity for important life outcomes.

Rachel M. Latham, Sophie von Stumm, Mothers want extraversion over conscientiousness or intelligence for their children, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 119, 2017, Pages 262-265, ISSN 0191-8869. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886917304865

I, personally, test as a strong introvert. Like, over 90% on every test since the 80s.

At the same time, I am well aware society values extraversion. For 30 years, I have mostly faked not being an introvert. It is hard. It takes a toll. Often enough, the faking it makes me exhausted.

This started before I knew research…

  • Extraverts are more popular.
  • Extraverts get better jobs and promotions.

No matter how high my intelligence and consciousness, extraversion allows others to discover it. So. It should be ranked higher.

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Goldilocks

So, this girl committed home invasion on three bears, uses their stuff, tastes their prepared meal, and sleeps in their beds. Invariably, one was too extreme in one direction, another in an opposite direction, and the last just right. Too hot, too cold, just right.

The Universe seems similar.

  • Not too hold or too cold.
  • Not too strong or weak on several different forces.
  • Our galaxy is not too big or small; not too many or too few stars.
  • We have a simple star system without too many or few planets.
  • Our star is not too big or small.
  • Our planet is not too big or too small.
  • Our planet is not too close or far from the star. Aka the Goldilocks Zone.

So many things are just right for our existence.

We also have one star instead of two or three like most star systems. We also have water in the Goldilocks Zone when it should be more common out near Uranus and beyond.

So much had to go right in the Universe and locally for us to exist.

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Coral pants

Apparently I am that point of being a girl dad where Ads asks about the pink pants. Fleur is mystified. I am mystified.

Then I notice the coral pants and, “you mean these?”

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Illusion of choice

Human nature wants to feel in control. Lack of control creates stress and anxiety. Letting go of control is hard. Especially when you are three years old.

So we create acceptable choices and let Fleur make them. It seems to make it easier. It reduces the resistance as she gets a say, which is what she mainly wants. The options are acceptable, so we get what we want.

As she obtains more experience, I am sure crafting the options will get harder. She occasionally wants things we are not wanting her to have and redirect to acceptable things. She will get better at coming back to them. Or fighting harder for them.

I think of it like Ego Depletion. When you are 3, you have very little willpower. In fact, I am impressed at the moments where willpower manifests. They very much are easy to observe during well rested mornings after breakfast. Lacking those, the frameworks I deploy make it easier to run through the tasks to get out the door. Less pushback. Less frustration.

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Waking up

My wife and I completely differ in how we wake. I am more, “oh, I am awake. Let’s get up and do stuff.” She is more, “not yet!”

Fleur mostly takes after her mother in that initial wakefulness. After about half an hour she is more like me. The shift is sudden. One minute she is the world is ending, crying, grouchy, complaining about everything. The next she is fine.

Photo by Georgia Maciel on Pexels.com

This best of both worlds situation amuses me in hindsight.

She occasionally woke between 4 and 6 am, would come try and sleep with us, but after half an hour just be up. I would get up with her. I try to get her to eat something and go back to sleep.

Ideally she went back to sleep after a little bit. Too often she crashed just before wake up time.

Basically, that means I am up for the rest of the day.

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Roof

Fleur pretends children hide from their parents on the roof of the dollhouse. The big one up to her chest. The Little People one up to her knee.

Pretty consistently this is a piece of the pretend routine. I definitely need to keep the ladder locked up.

My mother has a story about me a younger age than her climbing the ladder on to the roof while my father wasn’t looking. He went inside for water for just a minute and found me almost up on the roof. He shouted for me, so I got all the way up it.

I wonder if that is something passed down in the epigenetics? Probably.

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Dopamine is a helluva drug

As Christmas becomes more tangible, Fleur has gotten more excited. Like 12 dimension strings, she was vibrating with excitement.

The neurotransmitter for anticipation was clearly in effect. The clockwork of her mind churned over what she will get from this.

The first Christmas was her trying to crawl to the tree. And playing with wrapping paper. The second was playing at tearing open gifts.

This one she understands the concept. And is all in.

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Pretend mental gymnastics

Playing pretend is so convoluted.

Working in information technology, I deal with contingency and complexity. Nested if conditionals and then outcomes.

In preschool play, things are far more fluid. The world building is intricately complex and mysterious. I ask a lot of questions meriting, “are you not paying attention,” responses. There seems to borrow from real life, fandoms, and random tangents.

For instance, the current game:

  • Fleur is Elsa. I am Anna. From Frozen.
  • Olaf and Sven are dead because a dinosaur stepped on them.
  • Various dolls are our kids. (A girl, a cow, a rabbit, and a lamb.)
  • We flew on a plane to Costa Rica. This came from asking if her teacher told her about her trip there.

From the outside, IT probably looks this arbitrary and eclectic. But, I promise we know what we are doing.