Here are a collection of anecdotes about the breakdown of communication where I misunderstood the desired outcome which resulted in upset feelings:
Fleur handed me a banana saying, “do this.” When I started to peel it, she wailed.
She asked me for strawberry oatmeal. Like the dozens of times before I poured pecans into it. She howled about them.
She asked to watch Frozen. So, I clicked on Frozen. The screaming was because she wanted Christmas Frozen. (aka Olaf’s Frozen Adventure.)
The past three times she has had a particular food, it has resulted in her needing to be held because her tummy hurts. But, it is sweet, so she wants it. When I say no, she throws herself on the floor with intense crying and tears and hurt.
The prize for potty training is candy which often gets dropped on the ground, making it inedible but that doesn’t mesh with the prize loss. Inconsolable. Until I replace or wash it, nothing else can be done.
Fleur’s clothing often has pockets. Dresses with pockets. Which seems at odds with the trend of dresses for adults which almost never have pockets. To the point women often find that a dress which has them significantly adds value.
Fleur loves her articles of clothing with pockets. She often says to me, “Look, Daddy, it has pockets!”
Pants for women too are strange. I found a pair of jeans in with mine and in checking the pockets was like confused by how tiny they were. They belonged to my wife.
This is probably also why my wife doesn’t give me shit about cargo pants or shorts (see I & II). Any time we go for a walk where she doesn’t want to deal with her purse, she needs me to carry her phone because she doesn’t have the pockets to do herself.
Yesterday morning, Fleur was happy enough with the pockets in her coat that she didn’t need mine for the rocks she acquired on the walks. (Yes, plural, there were two. One to see the horses, chickens, and dogs. Another to see the creek and throw the rocks into it.)
I hope the Long Tail (the Internet makes niche products more available) works in Fleur’s favor so we can keep her in clothing with pockets.
I stumbled across the cutest of scenes. I went looking for Fleur because it was too quiet.
She was in her room with the Olivia book between her and Cora the doll. While not yet able to read, she does have it mostly memorized and was telling it to Cora.
She also will offer to read to us. Usually they are her favorites, so she basically memorized the story.
What amuses me most about her play reading is the made up parts. There is a slight pause where she realizes she doesn’t know and composes something to go with the picture. I can see why she picked it.
It reminds me of how the brain fills in the gaps for memory retrieval. If the actual memory has pieces missing, it finds relevant information and inserts it into the recall. The problem is that is what gets remembered in future retrieval instances. This is what distorts recall such that eyewitness testimony can be manipulated by police or lawyers.
Driving With A Toddler may be more dangerous than texting while driving or under the influence of tranquilizers. This is very much a distracted driving situation.
Basically, while driving, Fleur becomes demanding of my attention.
Play <insert song>!
I want to go to the park!
I want to go to the store!
Throw this away!
Of course, I ignore text messages and phone calls while driving. But, both are infrequent and less… demanding than a toddler. Patience is not yet an acquired trait. And I often refuse to play the song when there is such negative emotion.
My wife calls it not negotiating with terrorizers.
The thing is, evolution played a trick on us. Our brains are highly sensitive to the frequency at which our children cry. So, for the ten minutes I am not negotiating or doing the thing fast enough, I am also experiencing agony. So, all too often, it is really tempting to give in.
I feel at times that I give in too much. In the moment, it feels like a relief. And I justify it as a small thing to allow her to have.
Of late, my resistance has been to make her ask. I’ve decided to give in, but I make her do it in a nice way. She is good about complying.
Today was a productive potty day at daycare. The snack bag had more than usual amount. Fleur looked super proud.
They get a piece of candy each time they go. We tried stickers and found it okay but not great. We switched to candy and found it super effective. Daycare went the same route a couple weeks after. The dual environments using the same method has us over a month in without an accident.
Today she showed me the bag. She wasn’t in a rush to eat it like usual.
I asked how many she got. She told me: “Two many much.” I thought she meant too many, but two many makes more sense.
She can count. But, in this moment of triumph, “two many much,” was perfect.
The New York Longitudinal Study, which lasted from 1956 to 1988, found that 26 percent of 2-year-olds exhibited bedtime resistance behaviors, and that figure rose to 50 percent by the time kids were 5. But kids whose behavior was documented in similar longitudinal research in Switzerland weren’t as rebellious. A 2005 study using that data found that, for them, bedtime resistance peaked between 2 and 4 years old, at around 18 percent. And rates of youthful rebellion changed as parental behavior changed. The 2005 study also found that bedtime resistance had been decreasing over time. The peak for kids born in 1974-78 was about 30 percent prevalence at age 5. Meanwhile, resistance among kids born in 1986-93 peaked at age 3, closer to 10 percent. Over that time period, the authors wrote, Swiss parents had shifted toward later and later bedtimes. In Switzerland, at least, putting kids to bed later meant less frustration for everyone.
Putting Fleur to bed later might also help with her 4 am waking. Of course, that takes away our adult winding down time to go to sleep ourselves. On the other hand, if we didn’t have to spend an hour getting her to sleep, then we could spend that winding down. (I wake up around 6:30 on my own with a good night’s sleep and have my best quality sleep shortly after falling asleep. My wife gets hers later, so these 4 am wakings are more disruptive to her than me.)
The next paragraph goes on to talk about the sleep need may vary by child and within themselves. For instance, Fleur sometimes sleeps more and sometimes less. We suspect the periods where she eats and sleeps more might be growth spurts.
When Fleur breaks something, she probably exclaims, “Humpty Dumpty!” Thankfully, most of the time it is easy to put back together again. So, she uses it wrong. Plus, neither she nor her family are horses or kingsmen.
Also, where did the anthropomorphic egg originate? Maybe because eggs cannot be put back together once you break them. Still, kind of odd. Like the English. Especially if it is true the song really is a pun of identical slang terms for a clumsy drunk and a drink.
Nursery rhymes are dark!
Of course, I am pretty good at fixing some things, for which I get her momentary adoration. For the things I cannot, I get her long last complaint. I guess really that means I need to work on my DIY fixing skills.
An unexpected example of entropy is doll clothes. We have a number of nudist dolls.
It seems the dolls tend to lose their clothes. Fleur takes off their clothes. At times, she will ask us to dress them. I think because the motor skills for dressing them have not yet manifested, she needs help. But, she doesn’t often.
So, the dolls go without clothes most of the time. As I write this, I think the doll named Emma has been wearing one of Fleur’s newborn dresses for a while now. She did say Emma was pretty in the dress. Maybe I need to track which dolls go with or without clothes and for how long to determine if there is a pattern. Perhaps, displeasure with the clothes is why all these dolls are going nude.
Instead of a child and instead of writing it down, I simply explain concepts completely outside the expertise area of average people. It could be talking about computers, quantum mechanics, government, or in these days the immune system and vaccines and COVID. Putting myself in the context of someone else, what they might know, and especially getting the feedback of what they ask puts me in a better position of better understanding the topic. Especially, coming back and simplifying when I go to explain it again and again.
The iterative nature of the process is really scientific.